Where There is Life, There is...

hi. it's been a weekend and a day since i've last blogged. first and foremost, the happy things. things we can celebrate without giving excuses to others if you aren't crying.

here goes:
HAPPY BIRTDAY SHI YUAN AND QADIR!!!

their birthdays fall on the 24th and the 25th, respectively. they both turn twenty, and join the gang of older kids. many happy returns my good friends.
on saturday, me and lipjeen were having lunch. we had bought tickets to the show perfect stranger (halle berry and bruce willis), which would screen after our makan. then i got an sms from my dad telling me that my grandmother had died.

so it happened. it feels so surreal. i've been expecting this for quite sometime already, but now, it feels...strange. somehow disjointed. it was as if my dead grandmother was right in front of me and i was on mars.

i forgo-ed (or forwent, whatever) the movie and i went over to fetch my brother (i called him. i said, "grandma's dead". "huh?? serious arh???"). we went to the nursing home. i was the last person there before the funeral parlour took her away. she looked like she was sleeping, but she was so still. so still. i still can see her. pale skin, mouth agape... i don't know how to handle this. my dad had red eyes. i was going "ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh" in my head, 'coz i didn't know what to say or do. finally. i spent some time alone with my dead grandmother. said a prayer, and said my last goodbye.


the funeral parlour people took her out in a stretcher, under a folded shroud and my father struggled to stiffle a big sob, i was like "OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH" what do i do?

anyway, i went back that night.

i've spent sunday and monday at the wake at the funeral parlour.
on sunday lip jeen, jan kee, seng chye, kuan ken, jimmy tee, jeremy cheah, and abiramy came to visit. it was very nice of them. a great gesture of friendship and respect. thank you my friends.

it is now eleven pm on monday. tomorrow there will be a short service, and i have to go up and say something. oh well, oh well.

cya around. i still have to go and get my goth clothes, etc for wednesday. i'm going mad. tahz.

Lessons from Maison's

we went to puisan's birthday party at maisons, and my first thought was "IT'S SO VOID OF PEOPLE!!!" the last time i went, it was a thursday night. the smart buggers designate that ladies' night and let all the gals in free. even on this night, a friday night. (at this point my brain nudged me and popped a qns in "then how about ah-guas and tomboys?")

anw, we had a really good time. i didn't get drunk. in fact, i hardly drank anything. just the mixers only.

i learnt a few things there, which i will not repeat, but of those that i can, here are a few:

1. mastura will be the life of your party. take her clubbing.
2. sarah is damn shy at the club.
3. maison's plays a really fucked techno version of blur's song 2, but we still headbang to it anyway.
4. you'll have a better time if you go clubbing in a big bunch of people
5. ask your friends to bring their friends, who bring their friends, etc..
6. chong beng is a pimp.
7. seng chye, aiseh... a real ladies' man.
8. praveena will stay put unless the music really kicks her into action.
9. jan kee's face can get cramped up from smiling too much.

okay okay.

going to sleep now. or shall get scolding from my dear tmr for turning up late...

I Hate Thinking Up Titles

ah. today, at eleven am (zzz...) i was woken up by my cousin meisze. she was worried that my grandma may pass away. like what seng chye said: a passing now would be a blessed release for her. i agree. poor thing.

sometime i really wonder. what is it like to be her. are you awake, but trapped inside your own body? or does your awareness fade altogether? i think therefore i am. so if i have no thoughts in my head, no spark of emotion, am i alive? i don't even know if i am breathing. i don't know if anyone pried my eyes open to drip eyedrops in.

anyway. on a lighter note, we went jamming today, and it was really good!
we chose our three main songs for finale night. and are going to prepare two more (just in case).

we also had to choose a name for our band. we nearly chose this name called "drink drank drunk, ta-DAH!!!" we initially stopped at "drink drank drunk" but we wanted to dedicate a syllable to every band member (we have five) so hence the "ta-DAH!!!" at the end. hahaha....

the story goes: when we announce that name, we would have to point to each person and say one of the syllables so it went like this:

"drink..." kelvin
"drank..." anthony (the first two name assignments were for no apparent reason, but...)
"drunk..." sengchye ('CAUSE HE'S ALWAYS ACTING DRUNK AND ALL....)
"ta-DAH!!!" me and matthew. (again, for no apparent reason)

i think sengchyes face was so funny at the time this idea was concieved that kelvin laughed till he teared...(as in had tears in his eyes. he didn't get torn apart)

we didn't choose that name anyway.

my voice is in a bad shape now. it's all horse (haha)... but oh well...

and matthew's body shampoo is in the boot of my car! that's his problem, but if he smells funny next week... let me know ok? because by then it would be our problem too.

tahz! gonna go to puisan's birthday party at maison's... i don't feel like going clubbing, but ohwell...nevermind la...i won't drink. my liver needs a break (and a brake).

as for what i resolved to do everyday, today i have had:
no studies
no exercise
no fruits (only a juice)
but i DID sing!

Darlie

okay...

it was the first real day of orientation. me and jonathan au ran a station, station 5.we chose 7 people from each group. each of them competed against another member of the opposing team in a staring competition. the loser had toothpaste on his face. and i think we did a pretty good job too! right jonathan!!!

noone really died of toothpaste. noone is allergic to toothpastes. (well, among the juniors at least. surprisingly some of our batchmates are! you wipe your teeth at night i guess)

i had toothpaste all over me though, and that's besides the point. that jonathan got a little fed up with one of the groups ("this is not the way to compete ok!"), and that i snapped at whoever squirted me with a water gun as i was busy trying to be a vigilant umpire ("don't squirt la, FUCK!") is besides the point. we had fun, and i hoped the juniors did too. bailed early to eat a burger ayam special (ran back to ask lippie if she wanted one too coz i forgot) and went home.

well well...

i've had enough of bumming around. i wanna do three things everyday:
1. study (even a little)
2. exercise (conditions similar to above)
3. eat a fruit or eat fruits (some vitamins)
4. play guitar, sing, or write. just something musical.

oh hell, that's four things. bugger.

hahaha.

cheers guys.

How sia???

i visitted my grandmother today at the nursing home. after braving through an hour and a half of traffic. i managed to get there at 9pm. the last i saw her was on saturday afternoon, and even then the deterioration was apparent. i just realised that i'm not ready to deal with all this. i have not been through a death, or a loss. i don't know how to handle it. are the funeral arrangements made? what are the rituals? what do we do to pay our last respects? to send someone off with love... how sia??????

my maternal grandma died like...i dunno...15 years ago? i don't remember. oh well, i didn't really get to know her. she had a temper and she didn't talk to me. coz i didn't know cantonese. anyway....it's all too different now.

i talk to my grandma, the occasional jest and sometimes kidding with her too. i played and sang a few songs for her on saturday. how will my grandfather cope?? (he has gravitational edema. he complained to me about swelling legs) he's been at her side so strong for the past few months. so i dunno man...it's one big uncharted territory for me.

another rite of passage, another growing pain.

oh well. oh well....

Trouble

i realised something...

i pull out the tabs on all my canned drinks. they will like go to collection to get some needy kid a wheelchair or something. then i rinse the cans and i flatten them. i was just counting how many cans i had left, and i realised something. the ratio of carlsberg to 100plus cans were 0.75:1 which means for every 4 cans of 100plus i've drank, i would've drank 3 carlsbergs. ohno. not good, definitely not good.

and i hear thunder rumbling in the distance. haiz.

Mosquito

screw you la mosquito!!! i'm reading ppl's blogs late at night, adn there's an idiot flying around. biting my arms, my legs. thanks a mil you idiot.

Love and Other Things

here i am. typing a post... why do i feel so empty?

i'm sick. sore throat. cough. flu. the whole shebang. it sucks big time. spent the whole day at home doing nothing streneous. i did do about 5 pull-ups though, and that was my limit. pathetic.

anyway, here's some random musing coming your way...

i wish i could write a song. a simple one, with poignant and meaningful lyrics. but it's just so hard. everytime i come up with something, the melody just bores me to death. it's so horrible i would just die, and that's before i get to talking about the silly things i write. i mean, what is it with rhyming??? gahh!!! i wish i could write like coldplay. well, in their first album. 'trouble' was special. they hardly ever needed to rhyme to make it sound cool. you get in the zone with that song, and you'll understand me.

i wish i could spend some time with lipjeen. i was hoping so hard that i would be well enough to go out with her. just to chill. but she's going to see a movie with her sister. so it's ok. she told me way beforehand, so there were no fireworks. i'm not afraid to say that i love her. i do. i just don't know why we fight. it's all my ego. damn. damn it to hell. i had an epiphany once (nothing to do with bananas and potassium)... i wondered why we fight with all those who are closest to us. people all around us quarrel with their partners, their parents, and siblings. for those of you who are quicker than i, it's because they still care. the reason why me and lipjeen have bad days, like any other couple, is 'coz i still care and she still cares.

here's a passage about love. i got it from the sandman volume nine. the comic is about seven aspects of the universe personified. Destiny, Death, Dream, Destruction, Despair, Desire, and Delirium (formerly Delight).
anyway, in this issue rose walker talks to Desire, her grandmother. sort of.
Rose says,
"Love... Have you ever been in love?"
"You might say that."
"Horrible, isn't it?"
"In what way?"
"It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens you heart and it means someone can get inside of you and mess you up.
You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...
You give them a piece of you. They don't wask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore."

it's true, isn't it? =) writing at it's best. for the whole passage, go read the comic.

okay. going off to sleep now. maybe i'll just give that guitar a little good night twanging.

Ah, It Was My Fault All Along

yess....victory number one. i managed to salvage all my links from the old blog. well well, for a tech idiot (or maybe, just an idiot) like me, doing that was no easy task. hmm....i'm so poor thing. i go and check my friends' blogs... and then looks like they've all revamped and took my link away. it's ok. i treasure my friends, past and present. but those who lost my link, i treasure you LESS. haha, just kidding.

task two. my tag board and some customising...

then i can leave my blog to rot once again.

A Year Already???

okok... i have decided to rescue my blog from obscurity....poor blog. i'm going for the minimalist look soon, so, see you all around then.