How sia???

i visitted my grandmother today at the nursing home. after braving through an hour and a half of traffic. i managed to get there at 9pm. the last i saw her was on saturday afternoon, and even then the deterioration was apparent. i just realised that i'm not ready to deal with all this. i have not been through a death, or a loss. i don't know how to handle it. are the funeral arrangements made? what are the rituals? what do we do to pay our last respects? to send someone off with love... how sia??????

my maternal grandma died like...i dunno...15 years ago? i don't remember. oh well, i didn't really get to know her. she had a temper and she didn't talk to me. coz i didn't know cantonese. anyway....it's all too different now.

i talk to my grandma, the occasional jest and sometimes kidding with her too. i played and sang a few songs for her on saturday. how will my grandfather cope?? (he has gravitational edema. he complained to me about swelling legs) he's been at her side so strong for the past few months. so i dunno man...it's one big uncharted territory for me.

another rite of passage, another growing pain.

oh well. oh well....